Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My first correspondence

His name was Jason, and he was by all appearances, the kind of guy I would normally be attracted to. He was kind, courteous, gentlemanly and very attractive. From the photos he sent me along with his introductory email (where he proceeded to compliment me not one but more than five times in a single letter), I was immediately intrigued by him. Tall, dark and handsome really didn't do him justice. And he could write, which has always made me swoon.

After reading (and re-reading) his email for a day or so, I told my husband Mark that Jason's letter had caught my eye, and I wanted to respond to him personally. Mark was thrilled. I was excited but still wondering how all of this would play out.

I sat down at the computer to type out my first personal correspondence to another man since I married Mark. The words flowed more easily than I imagined. I told him about our situation - that Mark had wanted me to try this and reluctantly (and now more fervently) I had eventually decided that it could be fun and adventurous. I explained that this was new to me, and that I was certain to have some trepidation about meeting him moving forward but that out of all the emails we had received from Mark's post, his stood out to me. I complimented him on his intelligence, his writing prowess and, of course, on his amazing body.

And what a body it was. From the looks of his photos, Jason was easily over 6 feet and chiseled to perfection. He had large, muscular arms, a well-sculpted tummy and the most delicious looking chest I had ever seen. To top it off, his smile and those deep blue eyes were gorgeous but just mischievous enough to keep a girl like me up at night a little longer than I should be. I was absolutely in lust. I could feel myself starting to come alive as I wrote to him. And I liked it.

I wrote a too long reply to his correspondence, contemplated it over a cup of coffee and hit send. Mark was elated that I hadn't bothered to ask him to read it. That I felt comfortable taking matters into my own hands so to speak. To be honest, I hadn't even considered letter my husband read my response. I was lost in the moment.

And I was happy about that.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

From the beginning ...

I've always been a traditional girl. Raised in the South by parents who have been together for more than 30 years, it was always my idea that once I got married I would remain devoted and committed to my husband for the rest of my life. In my mind, it all worked out beautifully and simply. We would marry, have kids and grow old together.

But about two years ago - a few weeks after my husband Mark and I celebrated our first anniversary with a romantic trip to Charleston, South Carolina - he told me something that literally knocked the wind out of me. His admission was that he fantasized about me being with another man. His fantasies involved me meeting, dating and eventually sleeping with a man that wasn't him - again and again. While he said he was interested in watching me experience intimacy with a lover, his primary motivation was expanding my pleasure, allowing me to explore my sexuality with others whether he was present or not.

The confession threw me into an emotional tailspin for weeks. I was hurt, angry, confused and not at all happy about this new development. I couldn't reconcile at the time - and I still struggle with this - how he could profess to love me yet still want me to give myself to someone else - to share my most intimate secrets and desires with a man who would be a stranger to him.

Months would pass, and while the initial shock of his admission had worn off, the hurt and sting surrounding the idea of me giving myself to another man did not. Over time, however, as he explained how much he loved me and how important it was to him for me to experience as much as I possibly could from a sexual perspective, I began to understand that his idea was actually an expression of his complete devotion and trust in me as a woman and as his wife.

With a lot of anxiousness and quite a bit of fear, I finally agreed to at least meet another man for dinner (with Mark present) if we could find a guy that I clicked with. And thus, about six months ago, the search began to see if we could find a man who could eventually be my first lover as a married woman.

Trying to find a potential partner is, of course, easier said than done. My husband wrote a bio and took a few somewhat revealing photos of me and posted them on a site devoted to helping married women and couples find a man to join them. Within a few days of posting, we had received several emails seeking more information about me and wanting to chat further. Of the dozen or so responses we received, one of them stood out from the rest.